I originally wrote this article 13 years ago. Just a few weeks ago, I went out to dinner with a long time friend from high school. She teaches women’s self defense classes at a local college. She mentioned that she used this article in every class she teaches. Until I had spoken with her, I had honestly forgotten about writing it. I decided to update the article and repost it in the hopes that it will be valuable to my female readers.
-Greg
In the various self protection classes I regularly take as a student, a common theme I encounter is instructors noting that their female students are “too nice.” In the interest of social conformity or in the attempt to be polite, women often endure situations that could have been avoided if they weren’t so afraid to speak up or even to be “rude” to strangers who are attempting to victimize them.
Those classes regularly cause me to reflect on a situation I encountered on the way to work nearly 20 years ago.
While driving to my police training job, I decided to stop off at the post office to mail a few letters. The closest post office to my house happened to be in the city where I lived, and not the city where I worked (and had police jurisdiction). While I was wearing a police uniform, I had no more arrest authority there than any other patron.
The parking lot lot was fairly busy, with lots of cars and a bunch of people walking around. As I got out of my car, I saw a really strange looking guy approaching random women in the parking lot. He was a white male in his mid 40’s. Long hair. Bandanna on his head. Tie-dyed shirt. Too-tight khaki booty shorts. Socks pulled up over his knees. Do you get the picture? He was a weird dude. His strange appearance caused me to watch him fairly closely.
Walking up to the post office, I saw that the odd looking man attempting to thread his belt through the loops at the rear of his shorts. He was asking every woman he saw for help putting on his belt. I initially thought he was developmentally disabled, but as I neared, I noticed his very clear, intelligent speech patterns and a lack of any physical infirmities. He didn’t need any help. He was trying to get women to touch his ass!
The most disturbing thing was that all of the women were complying with his requests. One middle-aged lady was clearly uncomfortable. He was begging her to help him with his belt. She was trying to help him as he “guided” her hand all over his rear end. She looked mortified, but didn’t say or do anything to stop the man.
Then this strange little man noticed me walking past and seemed scared. He said: “Thank you, I got it!” and scampered off. The woman was visibly relieved and thanked me for being there as we walked into the post office.
I mailed my letters and walked out. Guess who was out in the parking lot again? Tie-dye man was accosting yet another woman. He was physically blocking a college-aged girl from getting into her car by using the same scheme: “Help me with my belt. I need some help threading it through the loops back here.” This girl was trying to ignore him and get into her car, but he wouldn’t let her. She appeared terrified.
To my surprise, rather than fighting, screaming, or calling the police, she started helping him with his belt. He grabbed her hand and rubbed it up and down his ass.
I couldn’t take it. I walked up to the guy, pulled the woman’s hand out of his and told him to leave. I also told him that I would have him arrested if I ever saw him in the parking lot again. The freak sheepishly apologized and walked away. I never saw him again.
It got me thinking about a few things…..
Did I make the right move by confronting him? I was out of my jurisdiction, didn’t have any arrest powers, radio communications, or backup. From a legal and “officer safety” standpoint, I did everything wrong. But I’m glad I did it. Those women being victimized were even more glad I intervened.
Looking back, the world was a different place 20 years ago. Police officers were more respected by society and we were given a bit more leeway to handle things “unconventionally” without the presence of body cameras and the general public looking to video every police interaction hoping to get some short term notoriety documenting police “misconduct.”
In today’s world, I probably would have called the local police rather than intervening myself. I think most other officers would do the same. That means it’s even more important for potential female victims to stand up for themselves. No one is coming to help you.
In the intervening years, I’ve thought a lot about those women in that parking lot. None of them wanted to touch that freak’s ass. All of them were clearly scared and disturbed. Yet none of them did a single thing to avoid the situation. They could have just walked away from him, they could have told him to back off, they could have yelled for help, they could have pepper sprayed him. Hell, the guy was small. Most of the women could have kicked his ass in a physical fight.
The ladies didn’t do any of that. They just meekly complied. I don’t think they wanted to be considered “rude” or “mean”. It’s disappointing.
Listen, ladies. You don’t have to be nice to people who are clearly trying to victimize you. You don’t have to help every stranger who asks for your assistance. It’s OK to be mean. If you are confronted by a criminal, respond quickly and decisively. You have my permission. I don’t care what you do…hit the guy, run away, scream for help. Do something! Don’t meekly enable your own victimization.
I can’t change society. What I can do is provide some educational resources that might make my readers change their own actions and reduce their risks. I don’t know what I can do to help women become more assertive in situations like this except encourage you all to ask some questions and pre-plan some logical responses.
What would you do if a man grabbed your hand and placed it on his butt in a public parking lot?
What would you do if you saw this happening to someone else?
How could you prevent it if you saw the strange man approaching?
Think those questions over. Come up with a plan of action. And ladies, if you are waiting for someone to give you permission to stand up for yourselves when you are feeling threatened, permission is granted! Be mean. Be rude. Refuse to be helpful if your safety is at risk.
And more importantly, encourage the women you love to do the same.
